Dear confirmed Mr. Raccoon living in my attic,
I do not believe you signed a lease to live in my home. You are basically squatting on my property. Not only do I NOT receive any rent from you, in fact, you are costing me a lot of money! Like my husband likes to do…point to the trees that back up to our back yard and say “Are those money trees?…They don’t look like money trees to me!” (How I really feel when he says that to me”):
I saw you the other day venturing off our roof, down the tree, across my deck, down the steps and into my backyard. I saw your surprisingly massive body moving to and fro….to and fro. My girls were enamored by you. My husband was surprised to see you. As for me, I suspected I knew where you had been. I didn’t want to admit it. In fact, I don’t think the Rodent Removal Guy wanted to admit it.
You were sneaky and quiet…trying to pretend you weren’t there. But, you have since awakened. If I didn’t have the Buddy the Elf remembrance of how you attacked him, I’d probably walk up there and try to get you out myself.
Or the multiple references in Parks and Recreation TV show where you and your buddies overtook Pawnee, IN and put an absolute wreckage on the town’s history. Here’s a clip of “Andy Dwyre” (Chris Pratt) giving a summed up behind-the-scenes recap of raccoons in Pawnee.
I’d really like you to come out safe and get transported to wherever city raccoons are transported to (most likely another neighborhood where you can wreak havoc on someone else’s house and potentially give Rodent Man Person a call). I have to admit…I’m harboring some bitterness toward you. You’ve caused me to interrupt my schedule, my thoughts of your well-being when I heard you whine 🙁 , or thoughts of what other potential damage you’ve done to my house.
Phantom Mr. Raccoon, please find a way out of my attic. Roland is surprised you’re not in your trap and has apparently seen everything and knows everything. I do not like being a bottom dwelling tenant in my own home!
Take care (kinda),