Dear Ms. Raccoon,
Please accept my apologies for making the assumption that you were a male. Apparently, because you are very large, and the fact I heard baby raccoon cries above my master bathroom, you’re actually a female. I probably offended you with displaying this stereotype. Again, my apologies.
However, what I won’t apologize for is everything I mentioned in Post 1. We’re both female mammals. Shouldn’t we stick together? Motherhood is hard. Very hard. Perhaps this isn’t even your first birthing rodeo? You should have known better.
At least I had the decency to pre-register at a HOSPITAL and not sneak into someone’s house corner and birth my mammals! Ugh. So now, because I care for you (kinda), I must allow you to extend your stay…or at least that’s what Rodent Man Person thinks. I’m not a cruel person. I don’t want to trap you and leave your babies to die. BUT, let’s be clear….you have a very finite amount of time to get those babies grown and get out of my personal space!
In the meantime, I think we should have some ground rules.
#1: While I’m putting on my make up and getting dressed in the morning, I’d really like your babies to keep it down. For the past couple of days, I thought all that noise was my neighbor’s pool pump….BUT, no….much to my disappointment, it’s your offspring!
#2: If you can be on guard and ensure any other animals don’t enter the massive hole you’ve created for these next few weeks, I’d really appreciate that. I mean, it’s the least you can do, right?
#3: This is the big one….PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don’t tear up anything else. I just don’t think my husband or I can handle one more thing going wrong with this situation. We just want to take a little beach trip this summer, but if you keep racking up the costs, I think we’re going to have to postpone it. You care about your little mammals, SO DO I! I just want them to see the ocean for the first time! Just like you probably want your mammals to see the dried up creek behind my house.
Again apologies for calling you a male…but not sorry I’m mad at you.