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Tips and Tales for Mom

My Mistake…You’re A Ms. Raccoon. Part 2

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Dear Ms. Raccoon,
 

Please accept my apologies for making the assumption that you were a male. Apparently, because you are very large, and the fact I heard baby raccoon cries above my master bathroom, you’re actually a female. I probably offended you with displaying this stereotype. Again, my apologies.

 
However, what I won’t apologize for is everything I mentioned in Post 1.  We’re both female mammals. Shouldn’t we stick together? Motherhood is hard. Very hard. Perhaps this isn’t even your first birthing rodeo? You should have known better.

 
At least I had the decency to pre-register at a HOSPITAL and not sneak into someone’s house corner and birth my mammals! Ugh. So now, because I care for you (kinda), I must allow you to extend your stay…or at least that’s what Rodent Man Person thinks. I’m not a cruel person. I don’t want to trap you and leave your babies to die. BUT, let’s be clear….you have a very finite amount of time to get those babies grown and get out of my personal space!

 
In the meantime, I think we should have some ground rules.

 
#1: While I’m putting on my make up and getting dressed in the morning, I’d really like your babies to keep it down. For the past couple of days, I thought all that noise was my neighbor’s pool pump….BUT, no….much to my disappointment, it’s your offspring!

 
#2: If you can be on guard and ensure any other animals don’t enter the massive hole you’ve created for these next few weeks, I’d really appreciate that. I mean, it’s the least you can do, right?

 

 
#3: This is the big one….PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don’t tear up anything else. I just don’t think my husband or I can handle one more thing going wrong with this situation. We just want to take a little beach trip this summer, but if you keep racking up the costs, I think we’re going to have to postpone it. You care about your little mammals, SO DO I! I just want them to see the ocean for the first time! Just like you probably want your mammals to see the dried up creek behind my house.

 
Again apologies for calling you a male…but not sorry I’m mad at you.

 
Laura

An Open Letter To The Raccoon In My Attic….Part 1

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Dear confirmed Mr. Raccoon living in my attic,

I do not believe you signed a lease to live in my home. You are basically squatting on my property. Not only do I NOT receive any rent from you, in fact, you are costing me a lot of money! Like my husband likes to do…point to the trees that back up to our back yard and say “Are those money trees?…They don’t look like money trees to me!” (How I really feel when he says that to me”):

I saw you the other day venturing off our roof, down the tree, across my deck, down the steps and into my backyard. I saw your surprisingly massive body moving to and fro….to and fro. My girls were enamored by you. My husband was surprised to see you. As for me, I suspected I knew where you had been. I didn’t want to admit it. In fact, I don’t think the Rodent Removal Guy wanted to admit it.

You were sneaky and quiet…trying to pretend you weren’t there. But, you have since awakened. If I didn’t have the Buddy the Elf remembrance of how you attacked him, I’d probably walk up there and try to get you out myself.

Or the multiple references in Parks and Recreation TV show where you and your buddies overtook Pawnee, IN and put an absolute wreckage on the town’s history. Here’s a clip of “Andy Dwyre” (Chris Pratt) giving a summed up behind-the-scenes recap of raccoons in Pawnee.

I’d really like you to come out safe and get transported to wherever city raccoons are transported to (most likely another neighborhood where you can wreak havoc on someone else’s house and potentially give Rodent Man Person a call). I have to admit…I’m harboring some bitterness toward you. You’ve caused me to interrupt my schedule, my thoughts of your well-being when I heard you whine 🙁 , or thoughts of what other potential damage you’ve done to my house.

Phantom Mr. Raccoon, please find a way out of my attic. Roland is surprised you’re not in your trap and has apparently seen everything and knows everything. I do not like being a bottom dwelling tenant in my own home!

Take care (kinda),

Laura

Squirrels, Rats, Possible Possum, and being talked to like I’m pregnant (I am NOT).

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Well…My People….the day has come for two things that are new in my life:

  1. I have rodents in my attic and from what I can conclude, it’s going to cost me a crazy amount of money to deal with.
  2. The man assisting me with my quote, said the woman no-no “you’re expecting, right?“…..Ugh..NO I am not pregnant..thank you very much!!!
So, I’m working through quite a few emotions this week. Creatures have invaded my safe place, my home, my dwelling. Don’t they understand that this is a human refuge? Keep your animal rodent pee, poop, and mating smells away from my house!!!!! It’s insane what these animals will gnaw through to get inside. The inner drive they have is out of this world insane to get inside. Prayers for a cheaper estimate would be much appreciated.

I understand the tactic this technician man was doing…trying to scare me into doing a complete attic restoration. Telling me all the health issues, etc, laying it out there…basically, how could you not do a complete restoration when you have an unborn child in your womb? When he uttered the words “You’re expecting, right?”, while I’m holding my heavy four-year old, which is causing my POT BELLY to stick out more than normal, I was like “No I am not” thinking this is highly uncomfortable and his shocking response of “OHHH“, did not help the very terrible situation I was in!

I wanted to say “Thank you very much for pointing out that most of the time I’m snacking on crap, eating crap, and not exercising. That my youthful metabolism is not what it used to be….at all. And, that, I am aware that I look thin other places, yet, all of my fat likes to go straight to my belly and my thighs!” Ugh, my people. I suffer a little today.

Think of me a little….